i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.