[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.