It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog