[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?