Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.