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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?