Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth