My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.