There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.