Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.