Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Oh my God.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few