I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
channeling her this year
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular