HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
You can’t outrun your problems…
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
It was worth a shot 😂
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
What my back needs