You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Am I having a stroke?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
How funny!
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?