How funny!
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men’s fashion peaked in 1838
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs