my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
When you’re here for the treats.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”