People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜