superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
You Might Also Like
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?