A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!