If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.


One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age


Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy


Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand


Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.


me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle


“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”


Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.


This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.