If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.