Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean