I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I’m sorry…what?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?