You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
the battle rages on
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
my dad has had enough
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*