we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
This rocks
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao