Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My life in a nutshell
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me irl
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
A game married people play.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Smooooooth
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”