I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
LOL
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Stop.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.