[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap