The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor