why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
thanks auntie mary
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I’m not wrong
Me :
All Day At Night
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?