my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You Might Also Like
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
☠️☠️☠️
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.