@EmSlyce

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

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@visionbored2

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

@theDanLawler

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

@ThatBrenna

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

@feverschlong

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

@SortaBad

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

@Petote

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

@t_cuppp

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

@Bob_Janke

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

@TheBoghdady

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

@suntzufuntzu

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more