What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago