I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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Breaking news:
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out