Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
LMAO
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Its a hippotatomus
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time