Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

😂😂

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.