I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
So creative 😂
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax