ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
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I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
✌🏽
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.