7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
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Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.