My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Always 🥴
Seek kebab; not attention
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
i want to work in this restaurant
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.