Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Webb. James Webb.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*