Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Saturday
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Wait for it
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.