“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
no!! no!!!!!!
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies