Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
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Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*