Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
fourth time’s the charm
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD