Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom