[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.