When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
You Might Also Like
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card