@DiGiorno Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
@XplodingUnicorn When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
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@DiGiorno 
@smithsara79 RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
@shegotagronk The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
@DevilryFun The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
@ktmcburr This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
@minkpinkustink I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
@AaronFullerton Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
@SavageDabs69 My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
@Cornjerker78 Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
@pointbreakmask I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)