@XplodingUnicorn

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

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@DiGiorno

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

@smithsara79

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

@shegotagronk

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

@DevilryFun

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

@ktmcburr

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

@minkpinkustink

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

@AaronFullerton

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

@Cornjerker78

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

@pointbreakmask

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)