ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.