A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Hell yeah 👍
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.