Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
No regrets in 2018
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero