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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”