*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Xylophonist Shredding It
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???