My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Remember folks 😂
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.